tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8921202853689437852024-02-20T15:31:12.086-08:00The Pigeon We have no intention of fighting the law and if we did it would probably win. Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02051659062675620709noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-892120285368943785.post-30720229479521835022016-12-24T00:54:00.005-08:002017-01-15T10:12:21.000-08:00Misery for millions as Father Christmas fails to obtain a UK visa <div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Millions of Britons were left distraught at the
news that Father Christmas, also known as ‘Santa Clause’ and ‘the defendant’,
has had his application for a UK visa rejected by the Home Office. This means
he will be unable to deliver presents to UK households on the night of 24/25
December, as has traditionally been the case. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">The announcement was made via a press release
published by Father Christmas this morning. In it he explained that the Home
Office had refused his application on the grounds that he ‘doesn’t have a
confirmed UK job to go to’ and ‘could become a burden on the NHS’. He also
admitted that he’d failed to acquire the necessary paperwork for his reindeer,
meaning that if they enter the UK they are likely to be quarantined for up to
four months. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">When contacted by The Pigeon the Home Office
admitted they had refused Father Christmas’s visa application ‘on multiple
grounds’. They stated that he didn’t have a confirmed UK job and was ‘unable to
prove he’d worked more than one night in the past year’. They also noted concerns
about his health as his diet ‘seems to consist mainly of mince pies and
brandy’, meaning he could become a burden to the NHS. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">In addition the Home Office stated that they have
security concerns regarding Father Christmas as they have information that
every year, on the 24/25 December, he travels around the world including to
potentially to hostile countries such as ‘Syria, Iran and North Korea’. The Pigeon also understands that the
Government is aware of allegations of illegal working practices in factories
which Father Christmas controls in Lapland, including unsafe working
conditions, below minimum wage pay and child labour. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Children across the UK have reacted with horror to
the news that Father Christmas won’t be visiting Britain this year. Simon, aged
6 from Sunderland, told us that he is ‘devastated’ as he always looks forward
to ‘finding out which illegal substance Father Christmas has brought me this
year’. Andy, aged 5 from Luton, was more optimistic though, writing to The
Pigeon to say ‘each year on Christmas Eve a drunk man with a beard comes into
my room and steals stuff. Does this mean he won’t be coming this year’?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02051659062675620709noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-892120285368943785.post-66194670696195566872016-12-18T02:18:00.001-08:002016-12-21T12:52:50.526-08:00Western leaders congratulate Russia on winning Cold War after hacking revelations<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Leaders of
key Western states have sent messages congratulating the Russian Government on
winning the Cold War, following the revelation that the CIA and FBI believe
Russian hackers intervened in the American Presidential election to help Donald
Trump win. Earlier this week the Washington Post published a leaked CIA report claiming
that hackers working for the Russian Government acted directly to assist Trump’s
victory, and this version of events was later endorsed by FBI director James
Comey. Analysts have agreed that this blows apart the traditional view that the
West was the victor in the Cold War. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Following
these revelations Western leaders rushed to offer Russia belated
congratulations on its Cold War victory. German Chancellor Angela Merkel
tweeted ‘Congrats Russia. Thought we’d won but you pulled it back at the end.
Great game!’ British Prime Minister Theresa May concurred, telling a press
conference in London that ‘you’ve got to hand it to them, looked like they’d
lost in 1991 but they managed to pull it back’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Western
security analysts have admitted they underestimated the Russian threat, having
spent the last couple of decades seeing Russia as no more than a source of
crucial strategic resources such as oil and pornography. A former NATO official
admitted to The Pigeon that ‘the Russian’s lulled us into a false sense of
security…they played us brilliantly’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">In response
to our request for comment a spokesman for President-elect Donald Trump released
a statement. Unfortunately however it’s in Russian so we can’t read it. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02051659062675620709noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-892120285368943785.post-43029952079376560272016-12-08T03:29:00.002-08:002016-12-21T12:53:10.522-08:00New John Lewis Christmas advert shows puppy being fed into a blender <div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Retailer
John Lewis has released its second Christmas advert of the year, depicting a
Dalmatian puppy being fed into an industrial strength blender to the sound of Mariah
Carey’s ‘All I want for Christmas is you’. The advert follows the launch of the
first John Lewis advert last month, featuring a dog on a trampoline, which some
viewers labelled ‘nauseatingly uplifting’.
John Lewis Chief Executive Steven Overpriced admitted the first advert
has been ‘controversial and offensive’ to some viewers, and claimed that the
second blender based advert is ‘more in keeping with the character of 2016’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">The new
advert has been warmly received by viewers. Ben Sterling, an IT worker from
Lambeth, told The Pigeon that the advert was ‘terrific’ and ‘very reflective of
a year which saw Trump’s election and death of David Bowie’. Gary Johnson, from
Manchester, agreed describing the advert as ‘a breath of fresh air’ and
‘strangely arousing’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Concerns
have been raised about the message that blending a puppy on video makes about
animal welfare. When contacted by The Pigeon a spokesman from the RSPCA
admitted the video ‘might technically be illegal’ but concluded that ‘it’s so
fucking good we’re not going to complain’.
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<span style="font-size: large;">Meanwhile
John Lewis’s commercial rivals are upping their game in an effort to compete.
Industry insiders have reported that Marks & Spencer are preparing to release
an advert showing a nursing home being firebombed by a man dressed as Santa,
whilst Tesco have reportedly been filming a reindeer being water-boarded. </span>Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02051659062675620709noreply@blogger.com