Millions of Britons were left distraught at the
news that Father Christmas, also known as ‘Santa Clause’ and ‘the defendant’,
has had his application for a UK visa rejected by the Home Office. This means
he will be unable to deliver presents to UK households on the night of 24/25
December, as has traditionally been the case.
The announcement was made via a press release
published by Father Christmas this morning. In it he explained that the Home
Office had refused his application on the grounds that he ‘doesn’t have a
confirmed UK job to go to’ and ‘could become a burden on the NHS’. He also
admitted that he’d failed to acquire the necessary paperwork for his reindeer,
meaning that if they enter the UK they are likely to be quarantined for up to
four months.
When contacted by The Pigeon the Home Office
admitted they had refused Father Christmas’s visa application ‘on multiple
grounds’. They stated that he didn’t have a confirmed UK job and was ‘unable to
prove he’d worked more than one night in the past year’. They also noted concerns
about his health as his diet ‘seems to consist mainly of mince pies and
brandy’, meaning he could become a burden to the NHS.
In addition the Home Office stated that they have
security concerns regarding Father Christmas as they have information that
every year, on the 24/25 December, he travels around the world including to
potentially to hostile countries such as ‘Syria, Iran and North Korea’. The Pigeon also understands that the
Government is aware of allegations of illegal working practices in factories
which Father Christmas controls in Lapland, including unsafe working
conditions, below minimum wage pay and child labour.
Children across the UK have reacted with horror to
the news that Father Christmas won’t be visiting Britain this year. Simon, aged
6 from Sunderland, told us that he is ‘devastated’ as he always looks forward
to ‘finding out which illegal substance Father Christmas has brought me this
year’. Andy, aged 5 from Luton, was more optimistic though, writing to The
Pigeon to say ‘each year on Christmas Eve a drunk man with a beard comes into
my room and steals stuff. Does this mean he won’t be coming this year’?