Sunday, 18 December 2016

Western leaders congratulate Russia on winning Cold War after hacking revelations

Leaders of key Western states have sent messages congratulating the Russian Government on winning the Cold War, following the revelation that the CIA and FBI believe Russian hackers intervened in the American Presidential election to help Donald Trump win. Earlier this week the Washington Post published a leaked CIA report claiming that hackers working for the Russian Government acted directly to assist Trump’s victory, and this version of events was later endorsed by FBI director James Comey. Analysts have agreed that this blows apart the traditional view that the West was the victor in the Cold War.

Following these revelations Western leaders rushed to offer Russia belated congratulations on its Cold War victory. German Chancellor Angela Merkel tweeted ‘Congrats Russia. Thought we’d won but you pulled it back at the end. Great game!’ British Prime Minister Theresa May concurred, telling a press conference in London that ‘you’ve got to hand it to them, looked like they’d lost in 1991 but they managed to pull it back’.  

Western security analysts have admitted they underestimated the Russian threat, having spent the last couple of decades seeing Russia as no more than a source of crucial strategic resources such as oil and pornography. A former NATO official admitted to The Pigeon that ‘the Russian’s lulled us into a false sense of security…they played us brilliantly’.

In response to our request for comment a spokesman for President-elect Donald Trump released a statement. Unfortunately however it’s in Russian so we can’t read it.