Saturday, 24 December 2016

Misery for millions as Father Christmas fails to obtain a UK visa

Millions of Britons were left distraught at the news that Father Christmas, also known as ‘Santa Clause’ and ‘the defendant’, has had his application for a UK visa rejected by the Home Office. This means he will be unable to deliver presents to UK households on the night of 24/25 December, as has traditionally been the case.

The announcement was made via a press release published by Father Christmas this morning. In it he explained that the Home Office had refused his application on the grounds that he ‘doesn’t have a confirmed UK job to go to’ and ‘could become a burden on the NHS’. He also admitted that he’d failed to acquire the necessary paperwork for his reindeer, meaning that if they enter the UK they are likely to be quarantined for up to four months.

When contacted by The Pigeon the Home Office admitted they had refused Father Christmas’s visa application ‘on multiple grounds’. They stated that he didn’t have a confirmed UK job and was ‘unable to prove he’d worked more than one night in the past year’. They also noted concerns about his health as his diet ‘seems to consist mainly of mince pies and brandy’, meaning he could become a burden to the NHS.

In addition the Home Office stated that they have security concerns regarding Father Christmas as they have information that every year, on the 24/25 December, he travels around the world including to potentially to hostile countries such as ‘Syria, Iran and North Korea’.  The Pigeon also understands that the Government is aware of allegations of illegal working practices in factories which Father Christmas controls in Lapland, including unsafe working conditions, below minimum wage pay and child labour.

Children across the UK have reacted with horror to the news that Father Christmas won’t be visiting Britain this year. Simon, aged 6 from Sunderland, told us that he is ‘devastated’ as he always looks forward to ‘finding out which illegal substance Father Christmas has brought me this year’. Andy, aged 5 from Luton, was more optimistic though, writing to The Pigeon to say ‘each year on Christmas Eve a drunk man with a beard comes into my room and steals stuff. Does this mean he won’t be coming this year’?