Saturday, 24 December 2016

Misery for millions as Father Christmas fails to obtain a UK visa

Millions of Britons were left distraught at the news that Father Christmas, also known as ‘Santa Clause’ and ‘the defendant’, has had his application for a UK visa rejected by the Home Office. This means he will be unable to deliver presents to UK households on the night of 24/25 December, as has traditionally been the case.

The announcement was made via a press release published by Father Christmas this morning. In it he explained that the Home Office had refused his application on the grounds that he ‘doesn’t have a confirmed UK job to go to’ and ‘could become a burden on the NHS’. He also admitted that he’d failed to acquire the necessary paperwork for his reindeer, meaning that if they enter the UK they are likely to be quarantined for up to four months.

When contacted by The Pigeon the Home Office admitted they had refused Father Christmas’s visa application ‘on multiple grounds’. They stated that he didn’t have a confirmed UK job and was ‘unable to prove he’d worked more than one night in the past year’. They also noted concerns about his health as his diet ‘seems to consist mainly of mince pies and brandy’, meaning he could become a burden to the NHS.

In addition the Home Office stated that they have security concerns regarding Father Christmas as they have information that every year, on the 24/25 December, he travels around the world including to potentially to hostile countries such as ‘Syria, Iran and North Korea’.  The Pigeon also understands that the Government is aware of allegations of illegal working practices in factories which Father Christmas controls in Lapland, including unsafe working conditions, below minimum wage pay and child labour.

Children across the UK have reacted with horror to the news that Father Christmas won’t be visiting Britain this year. Simon, aged 6 from Sunderland, told us that he is ‘devastated’ as he always looks forward to ‘finding out which illegal substance Father Christmas has brought me this year’. Andy, aged 5 from Luton, was more optimistic though, writing to The Pigeon to say ‘each year on Christmas Eve a drunk man with a beard comes into my room and steals stuff. Does this mean he won’t be coming this year’?

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Western leaders congratulate Russia on winning Cold War after hacking revelations

Leaders of key Western states have sent messages congratulating the Russian Government on winning the Cold War, following the revelation that the CIA and FBI believe Russian hackers intervened in the American Presidential election to help Donald Trump win. Earlier this week the Washington Post published a leaked CIA report claiming that hackers working for the Russian Government acted directly to assist Trump’s victory, and this version of events was later endorsed by FBI director James Comey. Analysts have agreed that this blows apart the traditional view that the West was the victor in the Cold War.

Following these revelations Western leaders rushed to offer Russia belated congratulations on its Cold War victory. German Chancellor Angela Merkel tweeted ‘Congrats Russia. Thought we’d won but you pulled it back at the end. Great game!’ British Prime Minister Theresa May concurred, telling a press conference in London that ‘you’ve got to hand it to them, looked like they’d lost in 1991 but they managed to pull it back’.  

Western security analysts have admitted they underestimated the Russian threat, having spent the last couple of decades seeing Russia as no more than a source of crucial strategic resources such as oil and pornography. A former NATO official admitted to The Pigeon that ‘the Russian’s lulled us into a false sense of security…they played us brilliantly’.

In response to our request for comment a spokesman for President-elect Donald Trump released a statement. Unfortunately however it’s in Russian so we can’t read it. 

Thursday, 8 December 2016

New John Lewis Christmas advert shows puppy being fed into a blender

Retailer John Lewis has released its second Christmas advert of the year, depicting a Dalmatian puppy being fed into an industrial strength blender to the sound of Mariah Carey’s ‘All I want for Christmas is you’. The advert follows the launch of the first John Lewis advert last month, featuring a dog on a trampoline, which some viewers labelled ‘nauseatingly uplifting’.  John Lewis Chief Executive Steven Overpriced admitted the first advert has been ‘controversial and offensive’ to some viewers, and claimed that the second blender based advert is ‘more in keeping with the character of 2016’.

The new advert has been warmly received by viewers. Ben Sterling, an IT worker from Lambeth, told The Pigeon that the advert was ‘terrific’ and ‘very reflective of a year which saw Trump’s election and death of David Bowie’. Gary Johnson, from Manchester, agreed describing the advert as ‘a breath of fresh air’ and ‘strangely arousing’.

Concerns have been raised about the message that blending a puppy on video makes about animal welfare. When contacted by The Pigeon a spokesman from the RSPCA admitted the video ‘might technically be illegal’ but concluded that ‘it’s so fucking good we’re not going to complain’. 

Meanwhile John Lewis’s commercial rivals are upping their game in an effort to compete. Industry insiders have reported that Marks & Spencer are preparing to release an advert showing a nursing home being firebombed by a man dressed as Santa, whilst Tesco have reportedly been filming a reindeer being water-boarded.